well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
