My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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