I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
