I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I will pee on everything he values.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
