I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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