Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My feet surprised me
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
