When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
don't judge my taste in strippers
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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