i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize