she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
