I wish my penis had an off switch
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize