There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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