Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
