The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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