Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
