next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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