Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
im having a threesome with these popsicles
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
