walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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