Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
