I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Still dying that you shit outside
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
