Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
What changed your mind?
Being sober
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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