when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize