Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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