from now on my penis is your penis
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
