Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Found the puke drawer
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize