You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
