fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
