I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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