that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize