some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
