she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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