I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize