i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
