If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
