i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
