I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
