I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
