My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
