I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize