i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
