and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
