mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
