I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
