My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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