He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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