I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
