he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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