I have demons in me.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
