a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
