I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My dick has a subreddit
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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