Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
