I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
