come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
