I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
