I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
