if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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